


Harry Potter and the Purple Dinosaur

by caramelariana



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Potions Accident, comedy/satire, horror(ish)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-26 07:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4995850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramelariana/pseuds/caramelariana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a potions accident, Harry and Draco are sent to the most terrifying of schoolyards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter and the Purple Dinosaur

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on ff.net on 12/29/04. Reposted with edits (just in time for Halloween!)

Harry Potter grudgingly sat beside his archrival, Draco Malfoy. Stupid, slimy, sadistic Snape. Just because he had been paired up with Ronald Weasley, who had happened to have developed a huge crush on Hermione Granger, and had been daydreaming about said best friend, Harry was now being forced to acquire outside tutoring. Oh Ron had been let off with just cleaning the potions classroom; but for some strange, unexplainable, god-forsaken reason, Snape had said that Harry had some potential with potions and that all he needed was some additional help. And who would be the best option for a tutor but the best potions student in the school—who just so happened to be Malfoy. He knew this was really some new way to torture him.

“You’re late,” said Malfoy impatiently.

“Let’s just get this over with, okay?” Harry responded, sighing at Malfoy’s shrug. Professor Snape chose that moment to walk into the room levitating a box of ingredients.

“Here are the supplies for the potion. I expect you will listen to every word Mr. Malfoy tells you, Potter.” He leveled a stare at him.

Harry bit his cheek. “Yes, Professor.”

“Very well.” He strode back out of the room. Just before he closed the door he added, “And do refrain from destroying anymore classroom supplies.”

Malfoy smirked as the professor left. “Well then, Potter, I suggest you do exactly as I say.”

An hour later found them close to being finished with the potion. Just as Harry made the last stir, he blinked. “Malfoy, what color is the potion supposed to be?”

Malfoy rolled his eyes from his reclined position. “Yellow. Don’t you ever listen to anybody? Or is the Boy-Who-Lived above such obligations?” he asked with a sneer.

Harry ignored the insult. “That’s what I thought. But this is purple.”

Malfoy sat up and looked in the cauldron, his eyes going wide at the vivid color. “Are you sure you did everything as I said?”

“Well I thought I did—”

Harry was cut off as the potion began bubbling and green sparks erupted from the cauldron. Malfoy stood up. “What’s going on?”

A purple light came out of the cauldron and engulfed them. They both shielded their eyes as the light blinded them. They felt a strange sensation in their stomachs, similar to that caused by a portkey. When the feeling had settled, and the light had dimmed, they blinked and looked around. They seemed to be in a school yard of some sort.

“Great, Potter. You bloody transported us!”

“It’s not my fault! You were the one giving the directions.”

“Which you obviously did not follow closely enough. We don’t even know where we are!” He looked around. “What is this place?”

“Well, it’s obviously a school yard.”

Malfoy was about to respond with what Harry assumed he would consider a witty comeback when the door to the building in front of them opened and a group of kids emerged. Their ages seemed to range from around five to fifteen. Followed behind the group of kids was a giant purple…thing.

“Oh. My. God,” whispered Harry.

“What is that thing?” Malfoy asked quietly.

Harry shuddered.

Malfoy apparently noticed. “What?” he asked urgently. “Does it belong to the Dark Lord?”

Harry shuddered again. “It’s worse. Much worse. It’s…it’s…”

“Spit it out already!”

“Barney,” Harry finally gasped.

One of the younger girls spotted them. “Look Barney! New friends!”

Barney laughed and the two boys wanted to cover their ears. “Right you are Ashley!”

A little boy tugged on the dinosaur’s hand. “Maybe they can join us in our game.”

“That’s an excellent idea, Tommy. Let’s go introduce ourselves.”

The oldest girl approached them first. “Hi, my name’s Tina.”

“I’m Vicky.”

“I’m Bobby.”

“I’m Tommy.”

“I’m Ashley.”

“And I’m Barney!”

Malfoy looked like he was about to say exactly what he thought of the purple dinosaur so Harry beat him to the punch. “I’m Harry and this is Ma—Draco.” Malfoy sneered but Harry ignored him.

“Do you want to play with us?” asked the little girl, Ashley.

“Uh…” He heard Malfoy whisper no, but Harry wasn’t so sure that response would be well received. “Sure, I guess.”

“Damn you Potter,” Malfoy growled under his breath.

“What game should we play?” asked the purple dinosaur.

“Ring around the rosies!” exclaimed Tommy and Vicky at the same time.

Malfoy turned to Harry with a raised brow. “What is ‘ring around the roses’?”

“You’ve never played ring around the rosies?” exclaimed Ashley. She grabbed Malfoy’s hand. “Come on, I’ll show you!” Harry snickered and allowed himself to be pulled into a circle. Soon the entire group was holding hands. Malfoy was starting to look a little green. Harry began to think that this might not be so bad when the group started spinning and singing:

“Ring around the rosies  
A pocket full of posies  
Ashes, ashes  
We all fall down!”

“Come on Draco,” whined Vicky. “You’re supposed to fall down.”

Malfoy looked at her incredulously. “You want me to fall in the dirt?”

“Just sit down Malfoy,” Harry said through clenched teeth. He looked at Barney warily and tried to subtlely let Malfoy know of his concern. Malfoy seemed to understand as he sat down with a sigh.

After five more games of ring around the rosies, twenty rounds of duck, duck, goose, and a game where they imagined they were pirates on a ship looking for gold, Malfoy seemed to reach his breaking point. He pulled Harry to the side. “Listen Potter, if I have to spend one more minute in the playground I will hex the next child that touches me. Get us out of here!”

For once Harry actually agreed with Malfoy. This whole experience was bringing back painful memories of being forced to sit in the room while his cousin watched back to back episodes of Barney. He stepped up to the purple dinosaur. “Listen, uh, Barney. Me and Ma—Draco have to get going.”

“Do your parents want you home?” asked Bobby.

“Yes, yes that’s it. And we’ll be in big trouble if we get back too late.”

“Okay then,” Barney said. He looked at the children. “Before they go, let’s show our new friends just how much we love them.”

Oh no, thought Harry. He inched closer to Malfoy without realizing it.

“I love you  
You love me  
We’re a great big family”

Malfoy gave Harry a look that seemed to say “you’ve got to be kidding me”. Harry shook his head sadly, trying to communicate that they really would have to be subjected to this.

“With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you  
Won’t you say you love me too?”

Malfoy was visibly paling and looked as if he was about to vomit. Harry couldn’t really blame him. Luckily it was finally over.

“I love you  
You love me  
We’re best friends as friends should be”

Noooooooo! When had they come up with a second verse?

“With a great big hug”

It was at that point that Malfoy finally exploded. “Shut up! Shut the bloody hell up! You’re making me bloody sick. I can’t take this anymore!”

Harry cringed and looked at Barney. The expression on his face made him gulp. Gone was the sickening, ever-constant grin. The look of shock was replaced by sudden coldness.

“Barney?” asked Vicky in concern.

“Go inside and wait for me, kids. It seems our new friends don’t quite understand the rules here. I’m just going to explain them to them and I’ll be right there.”

“Okay, Barney.” The group of kids filed back inside.

Barney waved them off with a big grin. As he turned back to the boys the grin disappeared. “How could you use such language? And interrupt our theme song?”

Harry looked at the offended dinosaur and tried to shrug casually. “Well, you have to admit, it is a little corny.”

“And sickening.” Leave it to Malfoy.

Barney’s eyes narrowed and began to glow red. His teeth sharpened and his fingers turned into razor-like claws. “How dare you insult the love of this family!” he roared.

“Malfoy?”

“Yeah?”

“Run.”

The two boys ran from the schoolhouse screaming. The demented dinosaur was hot on their tails. Soon the theme song was playing as well. It seemed to invade their minds. There was no escape. When it seemed all hope was gone, Harry spotted a purple flash ahead of them.

“Malfoy! The light! Go toward it!

“Aren’t we supposed to stay away from the light?”

“Just go!”

They quickly approached the flashing light. They reached it and felt the familiar tug. Soon they found themselves safely back in the potions classroom. They collapsed against the nearest desk, breathing heavily. They looked at each other.

Malfoy was the first to regain his composure. He stood up and dusted off his pants. He looked at Harry. “This never happened.”

Harry stood and nodded. “Agreed.”

They both shakily made their way to the classroom door. When they opened it Snape was standing in the doorway.

“Hello boys,” he smiled evilly. Then his head transfigured into Barney’s, complete with gleaming red eyes and a grin full of perfectly white, razor sharp teeth.

Harry and Malfoy looked at each other, then back at the professor. “Ahhhhhhh!”


End file.
